dragon8370's Blog

I'll tell you where it all went wrong. it went wrong when i couldnt comunicate what was going on in my head. it all went wrong when i couldnt figure out what i was doing wrong. it all went wrong when life gave me lemons and i just watched them rot away. Aren't we supposed to make lemonade? well, i didn't. i watched them grow fuzzy, mushy, and decay till it looked like a little hairy prune. then the garbage ate it. thats where it went wrong.

I am an asshole. I am a sex addict. I am a food addict. I am lazy. I am a major procrastinator. i am not proud of things i ahve done in my life. I am trying to change.

I am sorry to all those that i have hurt and wish i could take all the pain away. I know that it is too late to make things right, I can't fix what i have broken. I can only try to not break any more. I was thinking of asking for forgiveness but i dont think i deserve it. I am sorry.

my best friend and ex girlfriend ( one in the same) is planning on ruining her life (in my opinion) by moving BACK with a guy who she really doesnt like but is a relationship and thats what she needs(or at least thinks so). I don't know what to do or say. She thinks that seh will be happy with him, but when she talks about him, she does nothing but complain. She has an oportunity in another city ... a job, a chance to really find herself, to be on her own for the first time in her life. No, i dont want her to be with him. I think he is not a good man. He is controling, over protective, possesive, and jealous. I know it sounds like good qualities in moderation. but he goes a little over the line, not really enough to set off big alarms but just enough to make it easy to make an excuse to do it. maybe im a little jealous. well, if you were losing your best friend to somone who doesnt want him/her to talk to you, wouldnt you be?  I dont know what i can do or say to help her understand, i really dont think there is anything. all i end up doing is hurting her. the only other thing i can think of is to just stay out of her life totaly and hope for the best. hurts like hell and my heart aches, stomach churns and throat closes at the thought. but there is nothing else i can do. 

  thank you for everything you have given me my love. I hope you find peace and happiness wherever you go.

I am in a fix here ... My ex is coming to town to see me. we are still friends but I dont know for how long. cercemstances may drive us apart. She is moving in with her new boyfriend. I dont like him and the things I see are little things that she seems to see as loving gestures. I find them a bit controling and childish ... maybe thats the problem, maybe we are no longer together because I wasnt involved enough. I used to dote on her and then things happend and we closed off from ourselves and each other. It didnt seem like she wanted me involved anymore. no matter how hard i tried to get her to just talk to me about what was bothering her, she never opened up, I would get bitching and compailning about what I was doing wrong and that all our troubles would go away if "I" fixed them. I know she blames me for what happened that day 8 years ago. I cant help how my body works and I know she blames me for not being able to afford to fix it. maybe it is my fault, I was out of work, I should have done everything I could do. I didnt. I really do wish I could give that to her now, but things being what they are ... I am mentally broken and she has moved on to someone who CAN give her what she wants but doesnt really want to. I dont know what would happen if he did give her what she wants. I never really thought about it til now. I guess everything would change. ok, I am feeling sick now and need to stop this or I am going to do something horrible.

To address my previous blog ... no i was not abusive. There were harsh reactions to harsh circumstances and both parties were hurt in the processes. That has been straightened out and i was worried about it. Thank you for caring.

 I have an addiction, I am a sex addict. I have hurt every woman i have ever been with. I didnt know how bad til I actually did some research into whether or not i was really an addict. I have found a couple sites with self assessment quizes, one i answered 8-9 yes' out of 12. you dont want more than 1 yes. the other had 25 questions and i answered 14 yes with 4 being "Red Flag" questions. you dont want more than 3 yes'. there are afew more quizes out there and i will take those as well. but i dont think they will tell me anything different.  I told my ex that i cheated on her. We are trying to stay friends but i am worried that it may not last now. I hope we can work this out. I will be getting help when i get back home, I need to. the research i did has really opened my eyes to my problem and behavior. I am starting with my most recent screwups first, so far I have talked to 2. there are unfortunately alot more and this is going to take a long time to do. I never thought it would be easy, but just thinking about all the people i have to say sorry to and let them be mad at me, i havnt even written them all down, is frightening. my brain hurts right now, I am sorry if i left anything hanging. Please feel free to make a comment and ask whatever you want.

A friend had shared an item in a blog that someone had shared with her. I thought " Well, I would hate to think I did any of this to my ex." so I gave her the list. I will post it on here too so you know what im talking about if you dont already know. She took this list and made notes on it, i had asked her to help me realise what "I" had done, so I could get a better understanding of what I needed to take care of. She made notes as to what she saw that "WE" did. so it didnt pertain to me, it was a combination of both our mistakes and wrong behaviour. 

I am a Pisces and she is a Virgo, if you have any inkling of how these two signs mesh, I am told that I was the controling one in the relationship. I am told that i am a typical Pices.

I am distraught over the possiblity of being an abuser and not knowing it. I hate abusers. I know i have anger issues and i have a tendancy to vent on the ones closest to me but I never blame them for my problems. I have never struck a woman as far as i can remember and i am usualy not with a woman when i have had enough drink to blackout. I have come close but those were circumstances that involed me being beat on for a bit before i grabbed the person and sat them down on the ground and walked away.  I dont think I am an abuser, but I know that not all abusers know they are.

I think that I have done some things that i should have done differently but i have always fessed up to it. Is it abuse on my part if the my ex takes the initiative to feel resonsible for how i feel, even if we both know she is not at fault? Is it abuse if I speak my opinion as to what i like and what i dont? I have never told her she CAN'T do something.  I have always tried to get her to go out with her friends, have fun. Be independant. I dont see where or how i could have abused her.

We are trying to be friends, I love her and I probably always will. She has been my best friend for the last 11 years. I have known her for well over 20. We just arn'et any good for eachother. We will never get back together and thats ok with me. But i still want to be friends with her but how can I do that if she thinks I teated her that way.

There are some on here that will read this and say "OMG, I thought he was so sweat. How could he do that?" and thats ok, its an opinion and you have your rights to it. There might even be some very nasty resposes, and I whole heartedly agree with you ... abusers are not a good thing, that might be why i am having such a hard time with this. I know that there are others that will stand by me and comfort me and  support me in my endeavor to become a better person. .. to you all who leave comments. Thank you. No Matter how you feel about me after all this ... Thank you.

Here is the item I sent to her.